Monday, November 30, 2009

right as rain (one)

“Right as Rain” you said
Dreaming
That I’d be the elf
Ethereal
Angelic like the voice
You perceived
Through the receiver

Right as Rain I heard
Wondering
How wrong could rain be
Or how right
What mattered was
You felt right
To me
Too

Face to face
First impression
This is it

Until I start cleaning
Her hair off our bedding
Awakening
From the dream of true love
Her clothes in the closet
No space for mine
Nor my books, rings, and things
Then
A pack of pictures
Flying from the top shelf
With a cloud of dust
Trailing behind

Wife number two,
The unmarried one
She was not beautiful, naked
But she looked happy,
Radiant,
Carrying your child,
Or someone else’s
Pubic Hair pushing up her huge belly
Dark nipples pointing down to
The love child within
Stringy hair, dirty teeth
Laughing insanely as her photo is taken in the nude
Outside
On your mother’s lawn in Californian suburbia


“Right as Rain” rings
When I detach and remember
That I left my home for you
That I left my country for you
That I left my work for you
My father, brothers, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews
Beloved friends, cherished companions

Right as Rain? I question
Thinking that the people I left
Are still with me, though farther
And the things I left behind
Were just things
But things that were mine

And you said
“I’ll get you anything you need”

I did not need much, just
You in my corner
You by my side
But you folded
Every time
And avoided to see the knife in my back
Or pull it out

Right as Rain?
When your son called me names
And sent me inside to make dinner
You stood and watched, and walked away
When he borrowed money out of my wallet
Without asking, or returning it
When he lined my path with shards of
Broken glass
My late Grandma’s glass, precious memento
You wondered why
But stopped wondering, and walked away
When your father snuggled up to me and said
“Boy you smell sexy”
You just sat there with ears wide shut.
When your mother called on our wedding day
Cheerily
And urged you not to haste and marry me, but shack up for a while
Until we know we can’t live together I guess
You said “Ok Mom, I love you”, and walked away.
When your first wife called
Just to say “your new wife is an asshole”
You looked befuddled, ephemerally
And did not know what to do.

“Right as Rain” came washing down
Dissolving quickly
Whatever love was left of true
When the financing lady at the car dealer’s regretted
That it took so long, but
“…we can’t get you a better rate with your credit score”
And I assert that this can’t possibly be
All our bills are paid, and on time
They sure are, you chime
In
But she knows what you know and I don’t
That your phone is not broken,
Just turned off
Until you pay the outstanding balance of sixhundredfourtyeight dollars and fifteen cents.
And could it be that you owe taxes on property for the last two years?
I kept my big mouth shut, knowing better this time.

Right as Rain? Wrong. Nix right as rain.
I am no elf, and there is no right as rain.
What you think you see is not my reality.
My voice no longer angelic has become an instrument of cold, sharp steel
A sword fencing off your darts
Lies, humiliation and if nothing else works
The stealthy steady blows of silent-treatment
Weeks, months on end
Until desperate for a reflection of humaneness
I reach out to you
Again
As usual
You know it is just a matter of time

Almost four hundred days the burning
Sensation in my eyes only subsides on Sundays
When you go back to work
And in anticipation my pillow stays dry
I am heavy, heavier than nine months pregnant with my own baby boy
For I carry the weight in more ways than one
Alone

Right as Rain wasn’t even on my mind
When after two years of therapy
Your mistress
Dishonesty
Was still
A regular in our home
As trust deliquesced discretely

Right as rain still makes no sense to me but
Rain washed you right out of my head.
Drop after drop after drop after drop
It pushed me gently
Past the stupor and
Depression’s clutch
Each drop a gentle nudge
Kneading my mind
Like deep tissue massage
Finally
I feel refreshed
Clear
I can let go

Be gone


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