Sunday, April 15, 2012

Gotye - Somebody that I used to know (Oliver Schories edit)




i was browsing npr and came across this man whose name sounds like gautier and i keep wanting to read it "got yee" but then the song captured me and i noticed how much less it hurts when you know you are not alone

i know this certain kind of sadness you can get addicted to from when we were still together and he did not see me nor hear me just sat arms folded watching me cry unimpressed as if watching a really bad play or a really good actress

they say certain personalities are out of order and stuck in dysfunction and the screws are not loose but rusted and if you try to repair it will all fall apart but i say love conquers all or so i thought

but i knew better then already because it is not about conquering but about making it through shared burdens shared laughs shared joys shared bills shared closets shared skeletons but one shared burden and refused to laugh even when the other shared joy he would hold a grudge and on to stubbornness for it was all the strength he knew

a year ago i, like gautier, was relieved that it was over but it felt like he was still hanging on, clinging, until i noticed he was not for the reasons i thought...it was guilt, because he already had replaced me with skinny and titless after dreaming for years of bouncy voluptuousness... but let me not remember so i can pale the blushing and instead remember that she is closer in age to his son and even an agnostic's god may forbid that history repeats itself

to him, i have been someone that he used to know for longer than i can think of but his facebook sports books i gave him and music i took him to but no longer the outdoors and wild places we used to visit and explore and revel in and now walking on the solid flats is all of a sudden dangerous? nor is he feeling ethereal tunes any longer which he labels interesting but on the whole he makes less sense than ever before

so he prepared the table for me or so it appeared and only as i sat down and said grace did i slowly slide into the deep feeding trap fit for a brown bear as he lit the fireworks to highlight my shameless demise amidst dried crumbs of affection and rotten bones of lovely

he dealt three deadly blows in style as iphone turns to sword beheading truth once more, deadheading what was left of a silver berry friendship bowing down to his cunning mistress distress and you may add an apostrophe where you see fit, gentle reader

but let's not forget that i was long gone already and while he might have played his games a year after i left only to hear my forgiveness spoken while he refused his i still am better off just grieving the defunct dream of a life's love lost yet accepting that there are more for i love and adore the human soul and mind and the universe is kind and will provide in time once i can cover this story with a lid and a bow and bow out

already now, after his perfunctory "hello" at the store and the quarter hand wave reserved for railroaders and blue yellow locomotives, it feels like i could have co-written this song for he acted like he forgot my name which is probably true for he can duck and cover his brain and forget the past even though he can't change it

rough it feels, gautier, my friend, rough it feels and raw and slightly insane and sickening and ill in the worst possible way, but like my pride and joy keeps telling me: every day away from this someone we used to know is a step in the right direction

ashé